Dual....:-)
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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