If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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