this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
