o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
