Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
