I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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