You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
nutella sex= disaster
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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