I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
