Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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