so let's talk penis.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
