Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
