I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
