you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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