If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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