3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
