Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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