So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
