that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He better not be in your backpack
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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