If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
