Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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