He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
