I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
