First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
