Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
