i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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