Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
