thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
