Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
