For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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