I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
