she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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