i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
