My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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