i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
no you cant smoke seaweed
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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