He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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