it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
