Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
