you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
