Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
