john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
whose parrot is this?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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