I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
