im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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