i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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