if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
