You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
