I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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