..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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