I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
