Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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