if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
