Im at strip club and am horny
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
