I'm jealous of your bromance
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
