Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
