i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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